blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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