I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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