literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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