Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
