I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
