I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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