No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
