genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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