One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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