it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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