fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
