Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
my liver is dry heaving
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
