I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You ruined the universe
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize