I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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