Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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