I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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