so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
