I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He better not be in your backpack
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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