I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
