Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize