I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
