I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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