Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
