I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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