I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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