Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
