Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
