he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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