I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
