I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
