did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
