I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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