I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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