i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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