just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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