well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
