Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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