don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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