That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
