I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize