I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My dick has a subreddit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
