I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
