She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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