Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
