just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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