I am spending my child support on dildos
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
