Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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