Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
