All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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