he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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