never play flip cup with pint glasses
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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