the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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