I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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