I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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