If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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