I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
