I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
