I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
