Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize