I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize