the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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