Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
