Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
