I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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