why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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