i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize