Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
