ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
