god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
