Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
