Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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