He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
