did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
